The end of the begining
by SimplyCuteBambi
Summary: I recently had my heartbroken.It's not at all what people make it out to be. It's not this endless black pit of misery but it's also no walk through the park mind you.It's both but neither but I guess that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.


**An: It's been a while since I've posted something up. I hope y'all can forgive me but I've been going through a rough time recently. Anyway hope you enjoy this and for the story's sake let's just pretend like Jesse really does have blonde hair and blue eyes.**

I suppose I should start at the beginning because after all that's how every story starts but why start at the beginning when it's really the end I keep thinking about. It's not that I don't think about the beginning, it's just hard to remember considering how things ended.

I recently had my heartbroken. A month ago to be exact. It's not at all what people make it out to be. It's not this endless black pit of misery but it's also no walk through the park mind you. It's both but neither but I guess that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that can only be described in one word. Crazy.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and curious I took it out of my pocket and flipped it open. A smile immediately sprung to my face as I read your text. You had been acting strange and distant all week so I was happy that you suggested hanging out at my place tonight.

I checked my watch and momentarily panicked when I realized I didn't have much time before you got here. I tightened my scarf around my neck to keep me warm and set about getting ready.

I sprayed a whiff of Victoria's secret body splash and gave myself a once-over nodding to myself as I realized I looked okay. I went to the kitchen and took out my cold medicine and popped a pill in my mouth. I stood on my tip toes and groped around for a cup. My hands closed around one and I filled it up with water and added a tablet of vitamin C in. I waited for it to dissolve as my phone vibrated yet again. I felt the butterflies in my stomach beat mercilessly as I realized he was outside my door. Calm down I told myself as I crossed the floor to open the door. Slowly I twisted the knob and swung the door open.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat as I took in his black pants and the dark shirt he wore that clung to his frame. His shaggy blonde hair was carelessly twisted to the side. I saved his beautiful blue eyes for last but when I finally looked into them I was a little shocked to find that they missed their usual warmth and passion that I was so used to seeing.

I forced myself to relax 'Come in' I smiled hoping it would hide the concern in my voice. I stepped aside so he could come in and once he did I shut the door.

He stood in the middle of my living room awkwardly as if it was the first time he'd been here. I went to the kitchen to get my drink and tried to ignore the voice in my head that was sending off warning signals

'You can sit down you know' I joked hoping it would get him to at least crack a smile. He didn't even look at me 'Where should I sit?' It was the first sentence he'd said to me since he came and it sounded off.

I ignored the curtness in his voice and managed to reply with a cheerful 'anywhere you like'

He sat down across from me on the other couch. I coughed as I reached for the remote to turn the TV's volume down. I quietly sipped on my drink as I watched him out of the corner of his eye. He looked very handsome today to be sure but there was something-off for lack of a better word- about his posture. He was so tense and so tightly coiled it felt like at the slightest provocation he would take off running.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat ' I thought you finished work early'

' I was showing some people from school apartments'

'oh' I said and I thought how stupid that sounded. 'Well I hope that went well' I quickly added hoping to get him to talk to dispel some of the tension in the room.

It was as if the comment passed right through him. He crossed and uncrossed his legs. He sat up then relaxed into the couch but then his eyes kept daring around the room as if searching for something.

I was wondering how best to ask what was wrong when he suddenly announced 'I can't do this anymore'

Slowly I set my cup on the coaster in front of me. 'Do what?' I asked slowly trying to quench the feeling of dread that was starting in my stomach.

'This' he gestured around with his hands as if he couldn't quite find the words.

I felt my throat dry up and I had to swallow past the lump in my throat 'What are you saying?' I tried desperately to shut that stupid voice in my head that kept yelling 'I told you so!'

' I want to break up' He said it so quietly that at first I thought I heard wrong. I blinked once twice as if that could somehow help me.

'Why?'

He stared straight ahead as if he was reciting a lesson 'Your family expects too much of me. I don't want to get married here in this country especially when our cultures are so different'

I stared at him unable to comprehend what I'd just heard 'but you knew all along what to expect. I never lied to you about that' I hated that my voice came out sounding desperate.

' I thought I knew but the truth is I've been single for too long and I love being single.'

'Excuse me?' I asked in disbelief. That was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard.

'Maybe I'm just being selfish. But there's just too much I don't want to give up' I hated that his voice sounded cold and empty. I stared at him wondering what to say or do when an idea suddenly sprung up. I hesitantly moved to the edge of my seat. 'I think that's bullshit'

I hardly ever swore so he looked shocked which was exactly the kind of response I was hoping to get. 'I think you're scared' I moved closer to him as my hand itched to hold his own.

His eyes flashed and I knew that I'd hit a nerve. 'Yes I'm scared. I don't want to be financially responsible for you especially when you're just 18'.

It felt like a physical blow to hear him say that but I continued nevertheless ' I'm scared too you know. Just because I'm 18 doesn't mean I have limited options'

He continued to sit there. Frustrated I expelled a harsh breath 'Would you at least look at me?'

'Why should I?'

I faltered unsure of how to reach this isolated version of him. 'Because it seems right after everything we've been through' I whispered quietly hoping he'd hear the quiet urgency in my voice.

He turned his head and his eyes finally meet mine. I reeled back as if I'd been slapped. I retread all the way back as if that could somehow make me escape his cold cool sate. It chilled me to the bone to realize that his once warm expressive beautiful orbs were now like two ice cold glaciers piercing my heart.

'I don't want to be trapped' He enunciated each word separately as if I were too slow to understand 'I want to be able to come and go as I please'

I sat there staring at him like an idiot unable to form any coherent thought unable to escape the single haunting sentence that kept repeating itself _He doesn't want you_.

'But I-' I swallowed ' I'd go wherever you will go'

That only seemed to rile him up even more as his eyes flashed a dangerous shade of blue. I was suddenly very wary and very scared of this man who was not all the man I fell in love with.

He brushed off my comment as if it were a mere passing fancy ' Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'll regret this later on' He echoed as if suddenly unsure of his decision.

My thoughts trampled over each other in their effort to get out but when I opened my mouth nothing would come out.

' I'm sorry but I won't do this. ' He stood up so abruptly I barely had time to blink before I realized he opened the door and was about to walk out the door and out of my life forever.

'Wait' I yelled as I scrambled after him. 'Don't' He held up his hand as if he knew what I was going to say. 'Don't go' my voice sounded desperate and pathetic and I hated it. I swallowed my pride because it just couldn't end like this. Not after everything we'd been through.

He turned around and walked down the steps as if I hadn't said anything. He paused at the last step and my heart leaped at the thought that maybe he'd changed his mind ' I don't know if I can talk to you anymore after this'

I stumbled back as if his words had been a physical blow and in a way they actually were. I stared at his retreating back thinking a million things but not saying any of them.

Numbly I reached out to shut the door and I slid against it feeling too weak to stand up on my own two legs. I brought my knees up to my chin and stared ahead as I felt the first rush of tears make their way to my face.


End file.
